1 Jan 2009 - Thursday
I woke up in the morning in a self-hating mode. I hate myself for being so self-centered, self-devouring and selfish. I am always aware that one of my weaknesses is being too self-centered, so selfish to the point that I took others for granted without noticing that I did. Yet I did nothing to change, in fact I doubt that I can ever change… A joking question of a friend of mine strikes my head and kept me thinking over the things that I’ve done… Yes, I felt offended; offended by realizing how I have taken my friend for granted. I try to have him helping me to finish up what I can’t consume anymore. Even if my initial intention is to avoid food wastage, and since he has always portrait big appetite… and my excuses went infinitely, I don’t even felt like explaining myself back then, maybe because even I am not convinced by my lame excuses… I felt so bad on the spot, so embarrassed and shameful of myself, yet there’s nothing I can do but faking smile… Shit!! Another hypocritical act of mine…
Since my emotion had become rather unstable, chain reactions occur. I started to think of many other times that I have taken other people for granted, people that I love! [Reminds me of the song ‘If I were a boy’ by Beyonce] I had my mom waited for me in her car; I had him waited alone while I study for examination, and many more… For a person with pride like mine, it’s hard for me to accept the fact that I have such characteristics… Yes, I want to be a noble person with good personalities, remarkable social circle nevertheless to be everything that will eventually prepare me to lead a successful life, a life of optimum wellness. Then I started to wonder, from movies that I’ve watched, am I one of those ‘Mean Girls’?? That I am somehow over-confident, usually talk what I think without much considerations, sometimes too proud, at times offensive, occasionally mean and more…
I like being around friends, hanging out as a clique, then till I realize, when my close friends are not around, I don’t have girl friends to hang out, for I haven’t been very friendly to everyone… What is the right thing to do? Shall I entertain everyone all the time to portrait a friendly image?? I am no joker… What if I get tired? What if I’m not born an extrovert? What if I get moody? I don’t see why I need to entertain everyone at all time… Yet I feel like I’m doing it… As I blog, I try to search within my soul, asking who am I? What do I like? How I want to live my life? And that goes on, I believe in my life long learning process, these questions will never cease to appear across my mind and I will continue in search of my true self… With that I will end my moody day with a long sigh and start a new day, a new year now…
I woke up in the morning in a self-hating mode. I hate myself for being so self-centered, self-devouring and selfish. I am always aware that one of my weaknesses is being too self-centered, so selfish to the point that I took others for granted without noticing that I did. Yet I did nothing to change, in fact I doubt that I can ever change… A joking question of a friend of mine strikes my head and kept me thinking over the things that I’ve done… Yes, I felt offended; offended by realizing how I have taken my friend for granted. I try to have him helping me to finish up what I can’t consume anymore. Even if my initial intention is to avoid food wastage, and since he has always portrait big appetite… and my excuses went infinitely, I don’t even felt like explaining myself back then, maybe because even I am not convinced by my lame excuses… I felt so bad on the spot, so embarrassed and shameful of myself, yet there’s nothing I can do but faking smile… Shit!! Another hypocritical act of mine…
Since my emotion had become rather unstable, chain reactions occur. I started to think of many other times that I have taken other people for granted, people that I love! [Reminds me of the song ‘If I were a boy’ by Beyonce] I had my mom waited for me in her car; I had him waited alone while I study for examination, and many more… For a person with pride like mine, it’s hard for me to accept the fact that I have such characteristics… Yes, I want to be a noble person with good personalities, remarkable social circle nevertheless to be everything that will eventually prepare me to lead a successful life, a life of optimum wellness. Then I started to wonder, from movies that I’ve watched, am I one of those ‘Mean Girls’?? That I am somehow over-confident, usually talk what I think without much considerations, sometimes too proud, at times offensive, occasionally mean and more…
I like being around friends, hanging out as a clique, then till I realize, when my close friends are not around, I don’t have girl friends to hang out, for I haven’t been very friendly to everyone… What is the right thing to do? Shall I entertain everyone all the time to portrait a friendly image?? I am no joker… What if I get tired? What if I’m not born an extrovert? What if I get moody? I don’t see why I need to entertain everyone at all time… Yet I feel like I’m doing it… As I blog, I try to search within my soul, asking who am I? What do I like? How I want to live my life? And that goes on, I believe in my life long learning process, these questions will never cease to appear across my mind and I will continue in search of my true self… With that I will end my moody day with a long sigh and start a new day, a new year now…
Happy 2009 peeps!!
mk
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