Self Evaluation of the year

1 Jan 2009 - Thursday

I woke up in the morning in a self-hating mode. I hate myself for being so self-centered, self-devouring and selfish. I am always aware that one of my weaknesses is being too self-centered, so selfish to the point that I took others for granted without noticing that I did. Yet I did nothing to change, in fact I doubt that I can ever change… A joking question of a friend of mine strikes my head and kept me thinking over the things that I’ve done… Yes, I felt offended; offended by realizing how I have taken my friend for granted. I try to have him helping me to finish up what I can’t consume anymore. Even if my initial intention is to avoid food wastage, and since he has always portrait big appetite… and my excuses went infinitely, I don’t even felt like explaining myself back then, maybe because even I am not convinced by my lame excuses… I felt so bad on the spot, so embarrassed and shameful of myself, yet there’s nothing I can do but faking smile… Shit!! Another hypocritical act of mine…

Since my emotion had become rather unstable, chain reactions occur. I started to think of many other times that I have taken other people for granted, people that I love! [Reminds me of the song ‘If I were a boy’ by Beyonce] I had my mom waited for me in her car; I had him waited alone while I study for examination, and many more… For a person with pride like mine, it’s hard for me to accept the fact that I have such characteristics… Yes, I want to be a noble person with good personalities, remarkable social circle nevertheless to be everything that will eventually prepare me to lead a successful life, a life of optimum wellness. Then I started to wonder, from movies that I’ve watched, am I one of those ‘Mean Girls’?? That I am somehow over-confident, usually talk what I think without much considerations, sometimes too proud, at times offensive, occasionally mean and more…

I like being around friends, hanging out as a clique, then till I realize, when my close friends are not around, I don’t have girl friends to hang out, for I haven’t been very friendly to everyone… What is the right thing to do? Shall I entertain everyone all the time to portrait a friendly image?? I am no joker… What if I get tired? What if I’m not born an extrovert? What if I get moody? I don’t see why I need to entertain everyone at all time… Yet I feel like I’m doing it… As I blog, I try to search within my soul, asking who am I? What do I like? How I want to live my life? And that goes on, I believe in my life long learning process, these questions will never cease to appear across my mind and I will continue in search of my true self… With that I will end my moody day with a long sigh and start a new day, a new year now…

Happy 2009 peeps!!

mk

爱的回顾

前两天，跟哥通电时哥提起了以下话题。
哥问：你会要找个爱你比你爱他多的，还是你爱他比他爱你多的人呢？
我答：从前的我会选择前者，但现在的我不会想去衡量比较谁爱得比较深，只要彼此相爱就足够了。

“只要彼此相爱”
看似简单的一句话，事实上真的那么容易吗？
为何不行？是自身的执著？或对爱的恐惧？
即使被爱，也得不到相爱，只因为不懂得如何再爱。

前些天，可能因为寂寞的灵魂对爱渴望；
对某人产生了微妙的情愫。。。
他跟他有许多共同点，
打从第一眼就已被那似曾相识的感觉吸引，
再慢慢地相知相识，发现他的人生观与我挺相近，
加上蛮不错的外在条件，对自己的眼光还沾沾自喜呢！
尽管友人对他误解与排拆，我坚信自己是他的伯乐。
日子久了，谈得较多，了解较深，
发现两人的爱情观隔天离地，
不同的是，我并不会怀着会有分开的一天的心情去开始一段感情，
如果打从一开始就有了结束的打算，我不懂开始的意义。。。
想了想，原来两人好像并不合适。。。

当时对他的错觉，让我写了以下诗词：

暗恋，
这种久违的心情，近来让他给唤醒，
目光总有意无意地瞄向有他的方向，
尽管表面上看起来是多么的不在乎，
但却如此清楚地听见他说的每句话。

别人对他赞赏时，心里也沾沾自喜，
别人对他误解时，也总帮他说好话。
会想靠近，却隔着遥不可及的距离，
会想告白，但更怕日后相见的尴尬。

自认健谈的我，在他面前总是词穷，
自认勇敢的我，瞬间变得胆怯懦弱。
是自尊心作祟，坚守矜持不得追求？
或自卑心搞怪，自知不才不敢高攀？

当你向着目标发奋时，是否知道我，
也为了更靠近你一点而默默努力着？
当我看着你的背影而忽视了全世界，
耀眼的你是否也看得见不起眼的我？

距离
听人家说，
世上最遥远的距离，是我在你面前，你却不知道我爱你。。。
又有人说，
世上最遥远的距离，是明明相爱，却不能在一起。。。
也有人说，
世上最遥远的距离，是隔着一颗心的距离。。。
那如果说，
两人之间隔着的，不仅仅是一颗心，那是多远呢？

喜欢，
喜欢看你的背影，
是因为不敢正视你的轮廓；
喜欢听你的声音，
是因为能感受到你的情绪；
喜欢说你的故事，
是因为可以炫耀你的骄傲；
喜欢想你的如果，
是因为那是我唯一能做的。

现在读一读，竟想不起当初是以怎样的心情写的，是不是我又成长了一些，得以从幼稚的感情中获得解脱？又或者是始终逃脱不了过去的枷锁，就连眼前的感情也想一并逃离？爱情的逃兵，究竟要当到什么时候？

那天他问了我一个问题：爱情与友情选一，你会选择哪一样？
不管问题是否包含暗示或试探的成分，我不加思索地选择了后者。
即使我的回答会让0.001%的可能变成不可能，我始终觉得友谊比恋爱来得实际。宁愿享受当朋友的快乐，也不愿贪婪恋爱一时的幸福而落得失恋的悲哀。这就是现下我对爱情的恐惧、抗拒与不信任。这种心情能让我连喜欢的人都放弃，更何况是没感觉的呢？

mk

我还是我

三个月前的我，
带着一颗受伤的心，
离开了19年来熟悉成长的家，
离开了疼我爱我的家人朋友，
看似和别人一样的各奔前程，
实是自己一个人的单身潜逃。

到一片陌生的土地，
尽管内心是恐惧的，
却也还期待着，
不一样的明天。

既然决定忘记不愉快的过去，
就要笑着迎接新生活的到来，
看着亲切热情的新朋友，
心伤的疼很像也不再那么深刻。

药剂系的学生，
并非想象中的那么无趣，
大家都是有着相同梦想，
因为梦想而相聚在一起，
朝着共同的目标努力着。

其实大家都很爱玩，
但认真起来都很可怕，
对于我们系友的团结，
我只能用感动来表达。

三个月后的我，
心里的伤已经痊愈，
短短的三个月，
我。。。
成长了，勇敢了，
不疼了，不怕了，
自信了，自觉了。

但我还是我，
还是执著的水瓶座。

mk

One Week To Go...

Hey people, is me again... This week is relatively more free than other days, Convex is coming up, my duty schedule falls on the 14th, 16th and 17th and guess what?! My Sunday duty is only till 12.30pm!!!! Which means by right I can go back on Sunday afternoon if not for the stupid super late schedule... I tell you!!! Those "PEOPLE" really sucks when comes to speak of efficiency!!! Ish!!!

Ah... Before I'm here I often said that we can still keep in touch via the greatest invention >> Internet but I find it hard to even find time to update myself and keep in touch with my old friends... My hotmail inbox is always loaded with unread mails, my blog is always lack of updates... I feel so wasted for not having time to blog as there are so many happening that i wish to record in the past few weeks...

Remember I mentioned bout Bon Odori?? Ok, finally a short paragraph for that over-back-dated outing... Bought a bus ticket for RM5 to go to Esplanade to attend the imfamous Penang Bon Odori, saw many cute japanese girls in Kimono, Tako tako is yummilicious, join the fun in Bon Odori Dance, bought a fan, a mask and watched the best fireworks in my life... What else?? Photos will be uploaded later, PERHAPS... Haha...

Have been getting along very well with my dear roommate, in fact we are too close together, measuring the time we get to know each other... Most people thought that we have long known each other.. We are similar in many aspects and makes us same of a kind... Plus the talkative and extrovert nature of both of us we are actually quite welknown among our coursemates... Last week we found out that we like the same flavor of HAll's sweet which is the Green Tea flavor we were shocked as most people feel weird bout that flavor... One fine morning, we were both thinking bout a same song and we were thrilled by that... Kakaka one thing fortunate is that we both have different taste on the type of guys we like... Phew, later both like same guy then cham...

One day we grouped into the same group for nursing home project we get another 2 malay girls and they introduced themselves as Mar and Mas, both roommates as well... Ever since, we call them Marmas... Then all of a sudden I come up with an introductio for both of us, since I'm Sue Chin and my roommate is Shi Min, you can call us SuShi... Lol sorry just another lame act of mine... :P Okay, enough of my roommate...

Next is the Bungalow Stay (BS) that seniors organised for us... Shhh, this is an informal orientation for all chinese only... Again we were grouped into 8 groups of 8... I'm the group leader for my group and in fact I'm the only female leader among all 8 groups, lol ShiMin aka Shmily keeps on say that it was a funny scenerio to see all 7 tall guys and petite me to go in front when they call upon the leaders... Bah, as usual I barely slept at night in this kinda trips... Chitty chat with friends and seniors and rest for an hour or two at dawn... Achievement from the trip, I was the Best Female Participant (proud giler) and was also elected as the Female Chinese Representitive for my year... Was freaking shock when I know I was elected, but nevertheless happy to be entrusted by my peers... My partner is a STPM student as well and he is from Johor, heard people say that he is very keng... Haha but i dunno la... BS is awesome except for it's super exhausting and nearly caused me sickness after the trip...

Well there are happenings in almost everyday of my life and I regret that I don't have the opportunity to record them all here... Haha some of them I also forget d... Just wait for the photos to be uploaded la... A picture speaks a thousand words, then I also no need to type till so kang ko no??? Hahaha

Phew today's post is long wor... Thanks to the stupid pharmex meeting I cannot go back to my room and have my sweet nap... Have class at night samor, 8-10pm... Sienzzzzzzz Oh went to Gurney last week for Redbox, but voice wasn't good at all, haiz everyday stay outside eat outside food pulls me to further imperfections... Acnes pop out like nobody's business, getting darker thanks to UV from Mr. Sun, leg muscles gets bigger and bigger due to endless walk in and out of campus and lastly, I still love my campus life...

That's all for today... MUAXXX


mk

Check!!!

Oh I just LOVE playing Chess...
My first approach on chess is on another board game which is the chinese chess a.k.a "Xiang Qi", during primary school, no idea when... My cousin taught me how to play and I remember our grandpa loves to kacau and advise us what to move and what not to... He sort of missed the point of "Guan Qi Bu Yan" which means audience/observer shall not speak...
But for Chess, my first time playing will be in Form 1.. When I blurly participated in Bukit Kuda Chess Closed Competition in 2001... Imagine I went and participate a game that I have never played before... Can't comprehend what was I thinking back then... But ever since, I have been interested in this brain straining board game...
Due to my ketidak-cekapan, I never get to find out about my school chess club... I missed their General Meeting EVERY YEAR without fail, from 2001-2005... I wonder how I did that... lol So when did I actually started to be active in chess??? I think it's somewhere around 2004/05.. I finally get to join BK Chess club in Form5 eventhough I missed their general meeting, and to my surprise, my club teacher assigned me a post without my knowing.. So I actually get a certificate of appreciation without doing anything.. Cuz I'm the Ketua Taman, but Chess club don't have a taman... LOL...
I was also lucky to be chosen by my teacher to participate in Chess MSSD Klang.. Out-of-school exposure is always good as I duwanna look back at my school days and see only classrooms... Well that's my first and last time in Chess MSSD, and due to insufficient experiences and skills, I didn't win lo... Still I won 4 out of 7 games; not bad la... Our school team were at the 6th placing but only Top 5 is awarded... LOL not pro enough, what to do?? And to my surprise, I met Chye Soon [my once upon a time crush] at the competition, somemore he's those top10 player in Klang.. So pro... Hey, if you're reading this So-on; don't get proud and bloated ya... :P
p/s: I got some correction to do here.. ChyeSoon says he was in Top4 for 3 years... Haha not Top 10... Aiks, wrong information for you all SORRY~
Besides, I also have a couple of friends who are chess kaki(s).. Like Ben a.k.a Sifu; Cheng a.k.a Kor [back then]; Nicholas; Jia Yi, Chei Tgeng... Aiks but my girl friends don't play chess, tak syok... Oh speaking of this makes me miss old secondary school days... I always kena tapao by Sifu and Cheng when I play with them..Too noob d they say... Then I joined ACS Chess Club and have been active in it... Here I now more chess kaki like Alex and Ivan..Most of the girls in the club DO NOT play chess, lol bo pian..
Now my more regular chessmate will be my bro(s), both biological bro and wanna-be bro a.k.a Eric... At home I always tapao my little brother who are obviously lack of experiences... Then Eric, wakaka I still manage to beat him once in a while... Like just now I just beat him in ChessHere.com, while Yahoo! Chess are having somewhat Version Conflict and many seems to have problems using it... Wahaha still in a winning mood and therefore I crap so many nonsense about my chess experiences here.. Just wanna say... ERIC, YOU NOOB!! Haha, I hope that will get onto his nerves~

Bored already??? Me too... Adios~


mk.noob chess player